Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
