So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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