i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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