his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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