can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize