I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
