I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
