I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
