u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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