I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
