dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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