wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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