youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
