Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
