I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
