did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I know her cup size but not her name....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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