Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
