I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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