She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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