You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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