Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
