I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
