Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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