I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
