Got a toothbrush?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
