Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
