I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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