This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My bed smells like the plague
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize