Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
