those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
