i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
