somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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