I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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