i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
