Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
