yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
