No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
