im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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