Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
