we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
