I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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