and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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