I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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