I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
