Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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