She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
