my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
third nipple confirmed
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
