My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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