don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
