There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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