there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
