So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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