he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i think my cat just said my name.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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