I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize