I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well I just put wine in my tea
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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