I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize