i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Houston, we have a squirter
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
