what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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