He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
