no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
