I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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