she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
