Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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