The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize